hello, this is your life speaking

Any idea of what the heck you are going to do with me?

Unfortunately, I have to say no. I do not know what I am going to do with my life when thinking of the future. The near future, sure, I think about tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. I think about my exams, which only leaves me feeling stressed and panicked. "Paranoid" and "tends to optimise" would describe me pretty well. Whatever it is I have to accomplish, I usually find a way to finish it. Once I start, there is no going back. I will reach the goal I set in advance. Normally though, procrastination is really hard for me to resist. So I end up doing everything in a few days. Or just twenty-four hours, leading into sleep deprivation.


However, considering the distant future, I have no idea what to expect. Who knows, maybe my hard work won't pay off, maybe I will have to do this all over again next year. - If so, I will never forgive myself.
Perhaps it will be rewarded. In that case, I will actually have to start a new life. A life full of question marks,  full of hopes and fears.


I am so not ready for this.

if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it

I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. Out of nowhere, he started asking me questions. One of these questions was 'what achievements are you most proud of?'. I found myself having trouble answering this question, simply because I do not consider any of my "achievements" as immense. This realisation was, to be honest, rather hard to swallow. It made me aware of everything I tried to achieve, without success. I have been thinking about my own mistakes ever since. I reckon this was not really his intention, but I guess it is just me being a pessimist.

My parents split up two years ago, a fact pretty much everyone knows by now. Even though I always tried to handle it the right way, I still think I didn't ever did a really great job. I take things too personally, meaning I tend to overreact pretty easily sometimes. I always wondered why this divorce and everything it brought along seemed so much harder for me to handle than, for instance, my sister. I think I figured out why, I guess I just care too much. I decided to work on that, though I did recently realise it takes more than that. Old habits die hard, eh?
We do have issues, and I know things will never be the same again. Yet for some reason, despite everything, I do hope things will work out sooner or later. Perhaps we will, eventually, become one big happy family. Or not.

Another thing I dislike about myself, is my indecisiveness. My dearest friends know exactly what I am talking about. I tend to over think everything, I am always afraid of the consequences, and so on. I recognise the symptoms by now, mostly consisting out of avoidance and denial. Never will I know for sure if I will ever pick up the skills to ease the "decision-making-process", one can only hope.

I know this story is fairly irrelevant to you guys, though this just needed to be said. Written. For my own sake, hoping I will become even more aware of the circumstances. And also, just for the heck of it.

side effects

I've never met anyone like you before. The influence you have over me, how one mere glance at the expression on your face says enough. I think I look up to you in a certain way, your allegiance engenders a feeling of anxiety inside of me. I wonder how you do that, how your eyes see right through me. That's why I often find myself averting my eyes, as if you can't read my mind as long as I do not look directly back at you.

I never intended to agree with you holding all the strings. You may disagree with me, but you, beyond any doubt, are. They are within your hands reach, now one can only hope you will not let them end up entangled, the way I am tangled up in you.

Even though I resent you for the confusion you awaken, for repeatedly turning me into a drama queen, I am absolutely, positively, definitely, almost, kind of sure I like what you do to me.

So yeah, thank you for totally f**king me up. I am loving every minute of it. I think.