Every once in a while...

There are thoughts emerging. Ones that I do not really want to experience, because they demand me to look at you differently.  I never believed things could haunt me this much, yet I do believe there's always an exception. You are the exception. And so is she. 

It is not officially part of the present, solely in my mind the matter is too vivid to deal with. Whenever I am confronted with it, my mind slips into this "logic-not-allowed" mode. It reminds me of my past and my present, where I reckon that I have to try harder. To be the person I believe you want to be seen with, the one who slipped away and got replaced by a mere simpler version. Reason does not really have anything to do with it, it is all predicated upon my own suspense. That would presumably be the thing I am least proud of, still being obsessed with perfection. 

I do not believe there is anything that could fade the image, yet I hope time will make it fade. I wish I could say that I refuse to let it get to me. Or let her take away my hope again, the way she has many times before. However, I am afraid I am already letting it happen. And that's what makes me so angry, knowing I will have to make the sacrifice. It will be me who will suffer because of this. One way or another.

jar of fear

I could never tell you how much I miss the old you. The one I used to be so fond of, the person that was my hero and would never let me down. I could never tell you how much I miss those days, and how much I do not need you anymore. I could never tell you how furious I have been, how I have wished I never had  to look into your eyes again. I believe they resemble nothing but fear and evasion. All this time, you always believed you never left me behind, but you broke my ability to believe. You tore apart my ability to love and let people in. 

I could never let you in again, even though I know that's what you wish for. I forgave you for what you did, but I will never forget. I will never forget about what you left behind, I will never forget about all the consequences. You broke my heart, and that made me break the hearts of others. You made me fear love, instead of embrace it. And although I have been taught to confide in love again, I could never forgive you for doing so.

so be it.

I have been here before. So many times. This is not the first time I tried everything I could possibly think of, and definitely not the first time I feel like  none of those things are paying off. You are not the first one to stand in those shoes, neither is this the first time I feel like I am the only one to blame. You pull me closer, while in the meantime all you do is push me away.

I probably should have let go of you a long time ago, or maybe I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place. That would have spared me a lot of guilt and frustration, but that is just not who I am, nor desire to be. I keep trusting people blindly,  adjust my sails to those of the ones I love which often affects me more than they realise.

You are not the first one to leave me behind, nor will you be the last. However, this is the first time I refuse to let it bring me down.  I have learned to let go and be stronger, and I will no longer let anyone make a fool out of me. I would keep fighting for you, if you were actually the person you think you are.  I may be forgiving and modest, but there is a voice screaming inside of me. A voice telling me not to listen to a single word you say, and I shall obey.

.

meet me in perspicuity

If I could clarify all my actions, my missteps, my difficulties, things would be much easier to comprehend. Thing is, I do not even understand all of these things myself. There are things I do not even want to think about, let alone be constantly reminded of. Things I desire to leave behind, yet these taboos seem to follow me wherever I go.

The level of clarity in my life tends to variate quite a lot. Some days I can easily point out all the things I love about what I do, yet there are days that I do not seem to realise why I made these decisions. All I need on those days is a stable factor, something or someone to clarify it for me. Yet there never appears to be a factor stable enough to calm down my crazy thoughts. Once I decide that nothing I do or am is ever going to be good enough, it is rather hard to change these gloomy thoughts. Whenever I succeed in changing my own mind, telling myself a thousand times that the way I see things is not reality, the same dark thoughts seem to return in the end. Relapse. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes, I just do not seem to understand anything. Like right now, I don't even know what I'm saying.

hesitation prohibited

None of my questions really mattered. The obnoxious feeling in my stomach told me more than my mind ever could. The obnoxious feeling representing the cruel lack of you. This had nothing to do with comprehension, it was all based on shameless affection. Fragments of the past, captured. Captured in my mind, where I can still see the way you layed your eyes on me that night, the way your touch made my knees weak. I rivet my eyes on those memories, knowing they changed my life.

During the night, I used to have a very specific dream. An empty road, with no destination whatsoever. I would walk, going nowhere. Many times I have been looking for a way to fill in the missing pieces I did not only experience during those nightmares. It was rather hard to know there was a void, without knowing how to fix it.

Then you spoke the words I genuinely needed to hear. I rely on those words, whether it is healthy or not. That void I used to experience, it has vanished. Don't mistake my occasional silence with trouble, I simply tend to be silent when you look at me that way, the way no one ever looked at me before. I might be taking a major risk, yet I do not care. My fears have broken down to bits. None of my questions truly matter. Not when I'm with you.

daydreamer

My thoughts are so incoherent these days. I confess, it caused some drama at first, but everything seems to have fallen into place. In fact, this time it seems easier than ever before. It's like you make it impossible for me to resist. To run away, the way I always tend to run away from love. What will it be, the bruise or the cure?

There's not really anything to say. I am hooked. That glance, and those eyes seeing right through me. The addiction, there's nothing more to it. All I can do is hope, hope this addiction won't turn out to be a catastrophe. Hope that there's no need to search for an antidote.

quietude

Sure I could have thought it through, try to fight for what's no longer worth fighting for. Waste my time and energy to try and make it work. Spend my days waiting and hoping things will come around, or just decide that it's time to move on with my life and stop wasting these precious days. Sometimes you just know, you do not always have to repeat all the spoken and unspoken words over and over and over again.

Truth be told, I will miss you. You have been a part of me for so long, and now you no longer are. It is for the best, because I am tired of waiting. I am tired of the feelings I've been having for so long now. I wish things had ended differently. Yet somehow I don't, at all.