Every once in a while...

There are thoughts emerging. Ones that I do not really want to experience, because they demand me to look at you differently.  I never believed things could haunt me this much, yet I do believe there's always an exception. You are the exception. And so is she. 

It is not officially part of the present, solely in my mind the matter is too vivid to deal with. Whenever I am confronted with it, my mind slips into this "logic-not-allowed" mode. It reminds me of my past and my present, where I reckon that I have to try harder. To be the person I believe you want to be seen with, the one who slipped away and got replaced by a mere simpler version. Reason does not really have anything to do with it, it is all predicated upon my own suspense. That would presumably be the thing I am least proud of, still being obsessed with perfection. 

I do not believe there is anything that could fade the image, yet I hope time will make it fade. I wish I could say that I refuse to let it get to me. Or let her take away my hope again, the way she has many times before. However, I am afraid I am already letting it happen. And that's what makes me so angry, knowing I will have to make the sacrifice. It will be me who will suffer because of this. One way or another.

jar of fear

I could never tell you how much I miss the old you. The one I used to be so fond of, the person that was my hero and would never let me down. I could never tell you how much I miss those days, and how much I do not need you anymore. I could never tell you how furious I have been, how I have wished I never had  to look into your eyes again. I believe they resemble nothing but fear and evasion. All this time, you always believed you never left me behind, but you broke my ability to believe. You tore apart my ability to love and let people in. 

I could never let you in again, even though I know that's what you wish for. I forgave you for what you did, but I will never forget. I will never forget about what you left behind, I will never forget about all the consequences. You broke my heart, and that made me break the hearts of others. You made me fear love, instead of embrace it. And although I have been taught to confide in love again, I could never forgive you for doing so.

so be it.

I have been here before. So many times. This is not the first time I tried everything I could possibly think of, and definitely not the first time I feel like  none of those things are paying off. You are not the first one to stand in those shoes, neither is this the first time I feel like I am the only one to blame. You pull me closer, while in the meantime all you do is push me away.

I probably should have let go of you a long time ago, or maybe I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place. That would have spared me a lot of guilt and frustration, but that is just not who I am, nor desire to be. I keep trusting people blindly,  adjust my sails to those of the ones I love which often affects me more than they realise.

You are not the first one to leave me behind, nor will you be the last. However, this is the first time I refuse to let it bring me down.  I have learned to let go and be stronger, and I will no longer let anyone make a fool out of me. I would keep fighting for you, if you were actually the person you think you are.  I may be forgiving and modest, but there is a voice screaming inside of me. A voice telling me not to listen to a single word you say, and I shall obey.

.

meet me in perspicuity

If I could clarify all my actions, my missteps, my difficulties, things would be much easier to comprehend. Thing is, I do not even understand all of these things myself. There are things I do not even want to think about, let alone be constantly reminded of. Things I desire to leave behind, yet these taboos seem to follow me wherever I go.

The level of clarity in my life tends to variate quite a lot. Some days I can easily point out all the things I love about what I do, yet there are days that I do not seem to realise why I made these decisions. All I need on those days is a stable factor, something or someone to clarify it for me. Yet there never appears to be a factor stable enough to calm down my crazy thoughts. Once I decide that nothing I do or am is ever going to be good enough, it is rather hard to change these gloomy thoughts. Whenever I succeed in changing my own mind, telling myself a thousand times that the way I see things is not reality, the same dark thoughts seem to return in the end. Relapse. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes, I just do not seem to understand anything. Like right now, I don't even know what I'm saying.

hesitation prohibited

None of my questions really mattered. The obnoxious feeling in my stomach told me more than my mind ever could. The obnoxious feeling representing the cruel lack of you. This had nothing to do with comprehension, it was all based on shameless affection. Fragments of the past, captured. Captured in my mind, where I can still see the way you layed your eyes on me that night, the way your touch made my knees weak. I rivet my eyes on those memories, knowing they changed my life.

During the night, I used to have a very specific dream. An empty road, with no destination whatsoever. I would walk, going nowhere. Many times I have been looking for a way to fill in the missing pieces I did not only experience during those nightmares. It was rather hard to know there was a void, without knowing how to fix it.

Then you spoke the words I genuinely needed to hear. I rely on those words, whether it is healthy or not. That void I used to experience, it has vanished. Don't mistake my occasional silence with trouble, I simply tend to be silent when you look at me that way, the way no one ever looked at me before. I might be taking a major risk, yet I do not care. My fears have broken down to bits. None of my questions truly matter. Not when I'm with you.

daydreamer

My thoughts are so incoherent these days. I confess, it caused some drama at first, but everything seems to have fallen into place. In fact, this time it seems easier than ever before. It's like you make it impossible for me to resist. To run away, the way I always tend to run away from love. What will it be, the bruise or the cure?

There's not really anything to say. I am hooked. That glance, and those eyes seeing right through me. The addiction, there's nothing more to it. All I can do is hope, hope this addiction won't turn out to be a catastrophe. Hope that there's no need to search for an antidote.

quietude

Sure I could have thought it through, try to fight for what's no longer worth fighting for. Waste my time and energy to try and make it work. Spend my days waiting and hoping things will come around, or just decide that it's time to move on with my life and stop wasting these precious days. Sometimes you just know, you do not always have to repeat all the spoken and unspoken words over and over and over again.

Truth be told, I will miss you. You have been a part of me for so long, and now you no longer are. It is for the best, because I am tired of waiting. I am tired of the feelings I've been having for so long now. I wish things had ended differently. Yet somehow I don't, at all.

this fear's got a hold on me

We are not designed for an obvious purpose. I can think of millions of different reasons why we are what we are, why we do what we do, why we are supposedly destined to live our lives. Some of my declarations are based on scientific facts, yet most of them originate from my creative and dreamy mind. Yeah, sometimes I just love pretending I know everything about life, or at least all I need to know.

A wise fellow once told me it is "all about the balance", and that if you manage to keep everything balanced, you will live a very fulfilling and wealthy life. This really stunned me at that time, because I never really thought of it that way. Ever since I am able to cherish this precious memory, my mind wanders off from time to time. - Today is one of those days.

Lately, I feel as if the 'balance' I used to experience is disappearing. If it's not because I spend too little time on my school work, I feel as if I don't talk to my friends enough. In addition, I am surrounded by expectations. We often expect too much from other people, as if we expect everyone to live up to our standards.

This is quite a busy time for me, school is just making sure that I have no time to live an actual normal social life. Perhaps I caused this stress myself, or perhaps my messed up week schedule full of exams is tiring me down. Either way, it is socially, physically, emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I find myself stressing over the littlest things throughout the day, without feeling like things are paying off. I do not know why I do this. I just do not like spending all my time either studying or panicking because I feel as if I do not study often enough. 

My current life is full of expectations. People expect things from me, or maybe that is just how I see things. Whenever I feel like someone expects me to do or say something, a fear arises. If there's one thing I hate, it's letting people down, or letting myself down for that matter. Yet these fears and expectations always seem inevitable. I guess it's just something we all have to deal with, sometimes you will have to deal with expectations, and sometimes you have nothing to fear. These days the expectations are in majority. 

So, to sum up, I feel unbalanced. Though I'm pretty much convinced that I managed to transfer that message.

<3

disabuse me

Ahh, there is nothing like a great dose of disenchantment. I'm convinced we all know what it's like, investing in something and fully committing yourself to ''it'' until someone (metaphorically speaking) grabs that big bucket full of ice cold water only to end up throwing its contents in your face. Lovely, ain't it?

Yeah, I have trouble distinguishing between dreams (/hopes, wishes.. and all those other tricky fragments of our minds that are so not to be trusted) and reality sometimes. While growing up, people always told me I am what they call a "dreamer". I never considered it a bad thing, yet it has its downsides. This is when the bucket makes its entrance, and when I always seem to end up, well... soaked.

After many years, I suppose I somewhat got used to it. It can still be unpleasant though, like when something is mightily important to me. I'm just glad that on these days full of disappointments (oh, that sounds so depressing), there is always this thing I'd like to call music. And yeah, that makes up for it somehow.

hello, this is your life speaking

Any idea of what the heck you are going to do with me?

Unfortunately, I have to say no. I do not know what I am going to do with my life when thinking of the future. The near future, sure, I think about tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. I think about my exams, which only leaves me feeling stressed and panicked. "Paranoid" and "tends to optimise" would describe me pretty well. Whatever it is I have to accomplish, I usually find a way to finish it. Once I start, there is no going back. I will reach the goal I set in advance. Normally though, procrastination is really hard for me to resist. So I end up doing everything in a few days. Or just twenty-four hours, leading into sleep deprivation.


However, considering the distant future, I have no idea what to expect. Who knows, maybe my hard work won't pay off, maybe I will have to do this all over again next year. - If so, I will never forgive myself.
Perhaps it will be rewarded. In that case, I will actually have to start a new life. A life full of question marks,  full of hopes and fears.


I am so not ready for this.

if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it

I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. Out of nowhere, he started asking me questions. One of these questions was 'what achievements are you most proud of?'. I found myself having trouble answering this question, simply because I do not consider any of my "achievements" as immense. This realisation was, to be honest, rather hard to swallow. It made me aware of everything I tried to achieve, without success. I have been thinking about my own mistakes ever since. I reckon this was not really his intention, but I guess it is just me being a pessimist.

My parents split up two years ago, a fact pretty much everyone knows by now. Even though I always tried to handle it the right way, I still think I didn't ever did a really great job. I take things too personally, meaning I tend to overreact pretty easily sometimes. I always wondered why this divorce and everything it brought along seemed so much harder for me to handle than, for instance, my sister. I think I figured out why, I guess I just care too much. I decided to work on that, though I did recently realise it takes more than that. Old habits die hard, eh?
We do have issues, and I know things will never be the same again. Yet for some reason, despite everything, I do hope things will work out sooner or later. Perhaps we will, eventually, become one big happy family. Or not.

Another thing I dislike about myself, is my indecisiveness. My dearest friends know exactly what I am talking about. I tend to over think everything, I am always afraid of the consequences, and so on. I recognise the symptoms by now, mostly consisting out of avoidance and denial. Never will I know for sure if I will ever pick up the skills to ease the "decision-making-process", one can only hope.

I know this story is fairly irrelevant to you guys, though this just needed to be said. Written. For my own sake, hoping I will become even more aware of the circumstances. And also, just for the heck of it.

side effects

I've never met anyone like you before. The influence you have over me, how one mere glance at the expression on your face says enough. I think I look up to you in a certain way, your allegiance engenders a feeling of anxiety inside of me. I wonder how you do that, how your eyes see right through me. That's why I often find myself averting my eyes, as if you can't read my mind as long as I do not look directly back at you.

I never intended to agree with you holding all the strings. You may disagree with me, but you, beyond any doubt, are. They are within your hands reach, now one can only hope you will not let them end up entangled, the way I am tangled up in you.

Even though I resent you for the confusion you awaken, for repeatedly turning me into a drama queen, I am absolutely, positively, definitely, almost, kind of sure I like what you do to me.

So yeah, thank you for totally f**king me up. I am loving every minute of it. I think.

defining moments

As we move from complicated to incomprehensible, I find myself having a hard time to keep track of things. I realise more and more just how much everything and everyone around me is changing. Of course this was bound to happen, but I never realised it was already ´happening´, if you know what I'm sayin'. We're growing up, moving from age box to age box, we develop dreams and desires and (slowly) realise things only get more complicated every single day. 

Most of you might know how hard it is for me to let go of people. We lose friends, we gain friends, we reconnect with old friends. So basically, our social environment tends to change a lot. I've never been good at saying goodbye to people. It's probably one of those things I'll never get used to. Unfortunately, it always seems inevitable. 

However, besides the fact that I find it somewhat difficult to let go of the past, I also enjoy these developments. The older we get, the more we will experience, the more we will learn. Knowledge is one of the things I find rather important. And when I say knowledge, I am talking about life experiences that teach you a valuable lesson. I've always believed everything happens for a reason. The best and worst experiences we have to go through are there for us to learn something. My definition of maturity would probably be related to your level of life experience and your ability to empathise.

One thing I, sometimes, do find disturbing, is how we try to examine everything and everyone more and more. Sure, psychology is very interesting and the human mind and/or psyche is so complex, how could nosy people possibly resist examining it? I do think there should be some sort of limit though, because besides my curiosity, I personally find the mysteries in life rather exciting. But well, we all try to define certain situations and moments. It's hard not to look for possible "reasons" for one's actions and such, and it is ever harder to live with the fact that you might never find out.

I just don't think it's possible to define everything. In daily life, it is probably one of the things that bugs me most. Some people tend to define an individual by their gender, what they look like or what they stand for. And those are just a few possibilities, the list is endless. I'm not saying these people are discriminating, but more that it, sometimes, seems hard for them to look beyond physical appearance (or anything else for that matter), and see the individual behind it. I think every individual has their own power, but that it takes time to find and develop that power.
(I am speaking in general here, so please do not feel offended.)

"Of all the ways of defining man, the worst is the one which makes him out to be a rational animal." - Anatole France (Jacques Anatole François Thibault)

la douleur exquise

My ability to be creative has let me down. You guys are still pretty active around here, but I'm afraid I cannot say the same thing about myself. I've been waiting for my mind to come up with a masterpiece, but that plan didn't really work out the way I hoped it would. So, to feed your brains with something... Here's some nebulous fiction! (: (Yes, I swear it is)
Why? Because.


-------------------------------------------------

And behind closed doors, the mask comes off.


His weary hands still trembling from it all, he stares at the coloured silhouettes and other hallucinations slowly fading away. His respiration scarcely improved, though he doesn't feel as bloodthirsty as he did a short while ago. He had no choice but to release it, it was his only way out. Finally, he's able to come to his senses, he can stop clenching his hands now, the job is done. As the side effects wear off, he reaches out to 'the real stuff'. What the hell, danger and pain never stopped him before. Come on, reach up high into space, numb me, make my day.


He used to be such a happy guy. An example to everyone, one who would never hurt anyone deliberately. Never did he cause trouble. Affectionate, but his infatuated love was never mutual. A victim of his own foolish heart he was. Nobody cared enough to listen, if he even bothered to share at all. He wanted people to truly listen  to him, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

His self destruction was working though, because physical pain is visible to the outside world. The injuries on his paper-thin skin, the wounds on his wrists from carving that one word over and over again, deep into his flesh. And a little higher, the scars of needles mark his past. People never noticed him, but he changed that for good. Never will they look down on him again, because these wounds cannot be ignored. They may see him now, one day too late.

Staring at his feet, he bursts into hysterical shouting and laughter. Filling the room with nothing but empty shells which used to belong to his once unaffected soul. But that's all in the past now. His thoughts strayed away, far away from reality. Comatose. Provoked by drugs and torture. But he's persistent, his goal is his antidote. Nothing will stop him now. Someone's going to suffer, someone needs to make the sacrifice, anyone but him this time.

A terrified voice, echoes through the house.
Blood splatters on the walls, 
and one final scream ends the horrible sound.

moonlit probability

It's hard to see in the dark, caused by the lack of a light source. (obviously?) That's probably why the world and its complications seem even more incomprehensible during these short yet endless winter days. It came upon so suddenly this year, I didn't even get the chance to prepare myself. But hey, I managed to find a flashlight in the darkness. (gotta love metaphors)

Postponing it doesn't work, time moves faster than we realize and before you know it, it's time to do something. I realized that I shouldn't be wasting my "precious" time drinking coffee to stay warm and awake. Ergo, grab that flashlight before it's gone. :)

I bet this story doesn't make any sense to you, simply because it has no meaning whatsoever. (Or does it..? Now THAT'S the question!) So, to end this hopeless attempt, I will share a song with you. Everyone seems to be doing that these days, are they just as uninspired as I am? Let's blame the winter again, and the darkness; it makes our minds obscure and incoherent.

Love you guys!

drop the attitude

tell me, what should I say? which words should I use? how do I open your eyes? negativity ain't a part of me, it's a part of the air I breathe, the air filling this place called 'home'. don't you see what's happening? I love you, but I can't pretend anymore. all is said and all is done, I've had enough for now. but leave the door open, I'll be back, I'll ask for more. just know that I know the truth. you might not want to see it, but you know it too. stop pretending.

it's over, it's done. I just hope you'll miss me when I'm gone. I understand, you're happy now, and that means problems don't matter anymore. apparently I'm too difficult to handle, apparently you forgot about everything I've done for you and all the things I gave up for you. it's fine, that's just who you are. 

but tell me, is this love? 'cause that's not how you raised me.