If I could clarify all my actions, my missteps, my difficulties, things would be much easier to comprehend. Thing is, I do not even understand all of these things myself. There are things I do not even want to think about, let alone be constantly reminded of. Things I desire to leave behind, yet these taboos seem to follow me wherever I go.
The level of clarity in my life tends to variate quite a lot. Some days I can easily point out all the things I love about what I do, yet there are days that I do not seem to realise why I made these decisions. All I need on those days is a stable factor, something or someone to clarify it for me. Yet there never appears to be a factor stable enough to calm down my crazy thoughts. Once I decide that nothing I do or am is ever going to be good enough, it is rather hard to change these gloomy thoughts. Whenever I succeed in changing my own mind, telling myself a thousand times that the way I see things is not reality, the same dark thoughts seem to return in the end. Relapse. And there is nothing I can do about it.
Sometimes, I just do not seem to understand anything. Like right now, I don't even know what I'm saying.
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