Every once in a while...

There are thoughts emerging. Ones that I do not really want to experience, because they demand me to look at you differently.  I never believed things could haunt me this much, yet I do believe there's always an exception. You are the exception. And so is she. 

It is not officially part of the present, solely in my mind the matter is too vivid to deal with. Whenever I am confronted with it, my mind slips into this "logic-not-allowed" mode. It reminds me of my past and my present, where I reckon that I have to try harder. To be the person I believe you want to be seen with, the one who slipped away and got replaced by a mere simpler version. Reason does not really have anything to do with it, it is all predicated upon my own suspense. That would presumably be the thing I am least proud of, still being obsessed with perfection. 

I do not believe there is anything that could fade the image, yet I hope time will make it fade. I wish I could say that I refuse to let it get to me. Or let her take away my hope again, the way she has many times before. However, I am afraid I am already letting it happen. And that's what makes me so angry, knowing I will have to make the sacrifice. It will be me who will suffer because of this. One way or another.

jar of fear

I could never tell you how much I miss the old you. The one I used to be so fond of, the person that was my hero and would never let me down. I could never tell you how much I miss those days, and how much I do not need you anymore. I could never tell you how furious I have been, how I have wished I never had  to look into your eyes again. I believe they resemble nothing but fear and evasion. All this time, you always believed you never left me behind, but you broke my ability to believe. You tore apart my ability to love and let people in. 

I could never let you in again, even though I know that's what you wish for. I forgave you for what you did, but I will never forget. I will never forget about what you left behind, I will never forget about all the consequences. You broke my heart, and that made me break the hearts of others. You made me fear love, instead of embrace it. And although I have been taught to confide in love again, I could never forgive you for doing so.

so be it.

I have been here before. So many times. This is not the first time I tried everything I could possibly think of, and definitely not the first time I feel like  none of those things are paying off. You are not the first one to stand in those shoes, neither is this the first time I feel like I am the only one to blame. You pull me closer, while in the meantime all you do is push me away.

I probably should have let go of you a long time ago, or maybe I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place. That would have spared me a lot of guilt and frustration, but that is just not who I am, nor desire to be. I keep trusting people blindly,  adjust my sails to those of the ones I love which often affects me more than they realise.

You are not the first one to leave me behind, nor will you be the last. However, this is the first time I refuse to let it bring me down.  I have learned to let go and be stronger, and I will no longer let anyone make a fool out of me. I would keep fighting for you, if you were actually the person you think you are.  I may be forgiving and modest, but there is a voice screaming inside of me. A voice telling me not to listen to a single word you say, and I shall obey.

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