Any idea of what the heck you are going to do with me?
Unfortunately, I have to say no. I do not know what I am going to do with my life when thinking of the future. The near future, sure, I think about tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. I think about my exams, which only leaves me feeling stressed and panicked. "Paranoid" and "tends to optimise" would describe me pretty well. Whatever it is I have to accomplish, I usually find a way to finish it. Once I start, there is no going back. I will reach the goal I set in advance. Normally though, procrastination is really hard for me to resist. So I end up doing everything in a few days. Or just twenty-four hours, leading into sleep deprivation.
However, considering the distant future, I have no idea what to expect. Who knows, maybe my hard work won't pay off, maybe I will have to do this all over again next year. - If so, I will never forgive myself.
Perhaps it will be rewarded. In that case, I will actually have to start a new life. A life full of question marks, full of hopes and fears.
I am so not ready for this.
Sunday, February 27
Tuesday, February 15
if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it
I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. Out of nowhere, he started asking me questions. One of these questions was 'what achievements are you most proud of?'. I found myself having trouble answering this question, simply because I do not consider any of my "achievements" as immense. This realisation was, to be honest, rather hard to swallow. It made me aware of everything I tried to achieve, without success. I have been thinking about my own mistakes ever since. I reckon this was not really his intention, but I guess it is just me being a pessimist.
My parents split up two years ago, a fact pretty much everyone knows by now. Even though I always tried to handle it the right way, I still think I didn't ever did a really great job. I take things too personally, meaning I tend to overreact pretty easily sometimes. I always wondered why this divorce and everything it brought along seemed so much harder for me to handle than, for instance, my sister. I think I figured out why, I guess I just care too much. I decided to work on that, though I did recently realise it takes more than that. Old habits die hard, eh?
We do have issues, and I know things will never be the same again. Yet for some reason, despite everything, I do hope things will work out sooner or later. Perhaps we will, eventually, become one big happy family. Or not.
Another thing I dislike about myself, is my indecisiveness. My dearest friends know exactly what I am talking about. I tend to over think everything, I am always afraid of the consequences, and so on. I recognise the symptoms by now, mostly consisting out of avoidance and denial. Never will I know for sure if I will ever pick up the skills to ease the "decision-making-process", one can only hope.
I know this story is fairly irrelevant to you guys, though this just needed to be said. Written. For my own sake, hoping I will become even more aware of the circumstances. And also, just for the heck of it.
My parents split up two years ago, a fact pretty much everyone knows by now. Even though I always tried to handle it the right way, I still think I didn't ever did a really great job. I take things too personally, meaning I tend to overreact pretty easily sometimes. I always wondered why this divorce and everything it brought along seemed so much harder for me to handle than, for instance, my sister. I think I figured out why, I guess I just care too much. I decided to work on that, though I did recently realise it takes more than that. Old habits die hard, eh?
We do have issues, and I know things will never be the same again. Yet for some reason, despite everything, I do hope things will work out sooner or later. Perhaps we will, eventually, become one big happy family. Or not.
Another thing I dislike about myself, is my indecisiveness. My dearest friends know exactly what I am talking about. I tend to over think everything, I am always afraid of the consequences, and so on. I recognise the symptoms by now, mostly consisting out of avoidance and denial. Never will I know for sure if I will ever pick up the skills to ease the "decision-making-process", one can only hope.
I know this story is fairly irrelevant to you guys, though this just needed to be said. Written. For my own sake, hoping I will become even more aware of the circumstances. And also, just for the heck of it.
Sunday, February 13
side effects
I've never met anyone like you before. The influence you have over me, how one mere glance at the expression on your face says enough. I think I look up to you in a certain way, your allegiance engenders a feeling of anxiety inside of me. I wonder how you do that, how your eyes see right through me. That's why I often find myself averting my eyes, as if you can't read my mind as long as I do not look directly back at you.
I never intended to agree with you holding all the strings. You may disagree with me, but you, beyond any doubt, are. They are within your hands reach, now one can only hope you will not let them end up entangled, the way I am tangled up in you.
Even though I resent you for the confusion you awaken, for repeatedly turning me into a drama queen, I am absolutely, positively, definitely, almost, kind of sure I like what you do to me.
So yeah, thank you for totally f**king me up. I am loving every minute of it. I think.
I never intended to agree with you holding all the strings. You may disagree with me, but you, beyond any doubt, are. They are within your hands reach, now one can only hope you will not let them end up entangled, the way I am tangled up in you.
Even though I resent you for the confusion you awaken, for repeatedly turning me into a drama queen, I am absolutely, positively, definitely, almost, kind of sure I like what you do to me.
So yeah, thank you for totally f**king me up. I am loving every minute of it. I think.
Monday, January 31
defining moments
As we move from complicated to incomprehensible, I find myself having a hard time to keep track of things. I realise more and more just how much everything and everyone around me is changing. Of course this was bound to happen, but I never realised it was already ´happening´, if you know what I'm sayin'. We're growing up, moving from age box to age box, we develop dreams and desires and (slowly) realise things only get more complicated every single day.
Most of you might know how hard it is for me to let go of people. We lose friends, we gain friends, we reconnect with old friends. So basically, our social environment tends to change a lot. I've never been good at saying goodbye to people. It's probably one of those things I'll never get used to. Unfortunately, it always seems inevitable.
However, besides the fact that I find it somewhat difficult to let go of the past, I also enjoy these developments. The older we get, the more we will experience, the more we will learn. Knowledge is one of the things I find rather important. And when I say knowledge, I am talking about life experiences that teach you a valuable lesson. I've always believed everything happens for a reason. The best and worst experiences we have to go through are there for us to learn something. My definition of maturity would probably be related to your level of life experience and your ability to empathise.
One thing I, sometimes, do find disturbing, is how we try to examine everything and everyone more and more. Sure, psychology is very interesting and the human mind and/or psyche is so complex, how could nosy people possibly resist examining it? I do think there should be some sort of limit though, because besides my curiosity, I personally find the mysteries in life rather exciting. But well, we all try to define certain situations and moments. It's hard not to look for possible "reasons" for one's actions and such, and it is ever harder to live with the fact that you might never find out.
I just don't think it's possible to define everything. In daily life, it is probably one of the things that bugs me most. Some people tend to define an individual by their gender, what they look like or what they stand for. And those are just a few possibilities, the list is endless. I'm not saying these people are discriminating, but more that it, sometimes, seems hard for them to look beyond physical appearance (or anything else for that matter), and see the individual behind it. I think every individual has their own power, but that it takes time to find and develop that power.
(I am speaking in general here, so please do not feel offended.)
Most of you might know how hard it is for me to let go of people. We lose friends, we gain friends, we reconnect with old friends. So basically, our social environment tends to change a lot. I've never been good at saying goodbye to people. It's probably one of those things I'll never get used to. Unfortunately, it always seems inevitable.
However, besides the fact that I find it somewhat difficult to let go of the past, I also enjoy these developments. The older we get, the more we will experience, the more we will learn. Knowledge is one of the things I find rather important. And when I say knowledge, I am talking about life experiences that teach you a valuable lesson. I've always believed everything happens for a reason. The best and worst experiences we have to go through are there for us to learn something. My definition of maturity would probably be related to your level of life experience and your ability to empathise.
One thing I, sometimes, do find disturbing, is how we try to examine everything and everyone more and more. Sure, psychology is very interesting and the human mind and/or psyche is so complex, how could nosy people possibly resist examining it? I do think there should be some sort of limit though, because besides my curiosity, I personally find the mysteries in life rather exciting. But well, we all try to define certain situations and moments. It's hard not to look for possible "reasons" for one's actions and such, and it is ever harder to live with the fact that you might never find out.
I just don't think it's possible to define everything. In daily life, it is probably one of the things that bugs me most. Some people tend to define an individual by their gender, what they look like or what they stand for. And those are just a few possibilities, the list is endless. I'm not saying these people are discriminating, but more that it, sometimes, seems hard for them to look beyond physical appearance (or anything else for that matter), and see the individual behind it. I think every individual has their own power, but that it takes time to find and develop that power.
(I am speaking in general here, so please do not feel offended.)
"Of all the ways of defining man, the worst is the one which makes him out to be a rational animal." - Anatole France (Jacques Anatole François Thibault)
Thursday, January 27
la douleur exquise
My ability to be creative has let me down. You guys are still pretty active around here, but I'm afraid I cannot say the same thing about myself. I've been waiting for my mind to come up with a masterpiece, but that plan didn't really work out the way I hoped it would. So, to feed your brains with something... Here's some nebulous fiction! (: (Yes, I swear it is)
Why? Because.
-------------------------------------------------
And behind closed doors, the mask comes off.
His weary hands still trembling from it all, he stares at the coloured silhouettes and other hallucinations slowly fading away. His respiration scarcely improved, though he doesn't feel as bloodthirsty as he did a short while ago. He had no choice but to release it, it was his only way out. Finally, he's able to come to his senses, he can stop clenching his hands now, the job is done. As the side effects wear off, he reaches out to 'the real stuff'. What the hell, danger and pain never stopped him before. Come on, reach up high into space, numb me, make my day.
He used to be such a happy guy. An example to everyone, one who would never hurt anyone deliberately. Never did he cause trouble. Affectionate, but his infatuated love was never mutual. A victim of his own foolish heart he was. Nobody cared enough to listen, if he even bothered to share at all. He wanted people to truly listen to him, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.
His self destruction was working though, because physical pain is visible to the outside world. The injuries on his paper-thin skin, the wounds on his wrists from carving that one word over and over again, deep into his flesh. And a little higher, the scars of needles mark his past. People never noticed him, but he changed that for good. Never will they look down on him again, because these wounds cannot be ignored. They may see him now, one day too late.
Staring at his feet, he bursts into hysterical shouting and laughter. Filling the room with nothing but empty shells which used to belong to his once unaffected soul. But that's all in the past now. His thoughts strayed away, far away from reality. Comatose. Provoked by drugs and torture. But he's persistent, his goal is his antidote. Nothing will stop him now. Someone's going to suffer, someone needs to make the sacrifice, anyone but him this time.
A terrified voice, echoes through the house.
Blood splatters on the walls,
and one final scream ends the horrible sound.
Why? Because.
-------------------------------------------------
And behind closed doors, the mask comes off.
His weary hands still trembling from it all, he stares at the coloured silhouettes and other hallucinations slowly fading away. His respiration scarcely improved, though he doesn't feel as bloodthirsty as he did a short while ago. He had no choice but to release it, it was his only way out. Finally, he's able to come to his senses, he can stop clenching his hands now, the job is done. As the side effects wear off, he reaches out to 'the real stuff'. What the hell, danger and pain never stopped him before. Come on, reach up high into space, numb me, make my day.
He used to be such a happy guy. An example to everyone, one who would never hurt anyone deliberately. Never did he cause trouble. Affectionate, but his infatuated love was never mutual. A victim of his own foolish heart he was. Nobody cared enough to listen, if he even bothered to share at all. He wanted people to truly listen to him, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.
His self destruction was working though, because physical pain is visible to the outside world. The injuries on his paper-thin skin, the wounds on his wrists from carving that one word over and over again, deep into his flesh. And a little higher, the scars of needles mark his past. People never noticed him, but he changed that for good. Never will they look down on him again, because these wounds cannot be ignored. They may see him now, one day too late.
Staring at his feet, he bursts into hysterical shouting and laughter. Filling the room with nothing but empty shells which used to belong to his once unaffected soul. But that's all in the past now. His thoughts strayed away, far away from reality. Comatose. Provoked by drugs and torture. But he's persistent, his goal is his antidote. Nothing will stop him now. Someone's going to suffer, someone needs to make the sacrifice, anyone but him this time.
A terrified voice, echoes through the house.
Blood splatters on the walls,
and one final scream ends the horrible sound.
Saturday, January 15
moonlit probability
It's hard to see in the dark, caused by the lack of a light source. (obviously?) That's probably why the world and its complications seem even more incomprehensible during these short yet endless winter days. It came upon so suddenly this year, I didn't even get the chance to prepare myself. But hey, I managed to find a flashlight in the darkness. (gotta love metaphors)
Postponing it doesn't work, time moves faster than we realize and before you know it, it's time to do something. I realized that I shouldn't be wasting my "precious" time drinking coffee to stay warm and awake. Ergo, grab that flashlight before it's gone. :)
I bet this story doesn't make any sense to you, simply because it has no meaning whatsoever. (Or does it..? Now THAT'S the question!) So, to end this hopeless attempt, I will share a song with you. Everyone seems to be doing that these days, are they just as uninspired as I am? Let's blame the winter again, and the darkness; it makes our minds obscure and incoherent.
Love you guys!
Postponing it doesn't work, time moves faster than we realize and before you know it, it's time to do something. I realized that I shouldn't be wasting my "precious" time drinking coffee to stay warm and awake. Ergo, grab that flashlight before it's gone. :)
I bet this story doesn't make any sense to you, simply because it has no meaning whatsoever. (Or does it..? Now THAT'S the question!) So, to end this hopeless attempt, I will share a song with you. Everyone seems to be doing that these days, are they just as uninspired as I am? Let's blame the winter again, and the darkness; it makes our minds obscure and incoherent.
Love you guys!
Wednesday, January 5
drop the attitude
tell me, what should I say? which words should I use? how do I open your eyes? negativity ain't a part of me, it's a part of the air I breathe, the air filling this place called 'home'. don't you see what's happening? I love you, but I can't pretend anymore. all is said and all is done, I've had enough for now. but leave the door open, I'll be back, I'll ask for more. just know that I know the truth. you might not want to see it, but you know it too. stop pretending.
it's over, it's done. I just hope you'll miss me when I'm gone. I understand, you're happy now, and that means problems don't matter anymore. apparently I'm too difficult to handle, apparently you forgot about everything I've done for you and all the things I gave up for you. it's fine, that's just who you are.
but tell me, is this love? 'cause that's not how you raised me.
it's over, it's done. I just hope you'll miss me when I'm gone. I understand, you're happy now, and that means problems don't matter anymore. apparently I'm too difficult to handle, apparently you forgot about everything I've done for you and all the things I gave up for you. it's fine, that's just who you are.
but tell me, is this love? 'cause that's not how you raised me.
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