so be it.

I have been here before. So many times. This is not the first time I tried everything I could possibly think of, and definitely not the first time I feel like  none of those things are paying off. You are not the first one to stand in those shoes, neither is this the first time I feel like I am the only one to blame. You pull me closer, while in the meantime all you do is push me away.

I probably should have let go of you a long time ago, or maybe I should have never gotten myself into this mess in the first place. That would have spared me a lot of guilt and frustration, but that is just not who I am, nor desire to be. I keep trusting people blindly,  adjust my sails to those of the ones I love which often affects me more than they realise.

You are not the first one to leave me behind, nor will you be the last. However, this is the first time I refuse to let it bring me down.  I have learned to let go and be stronger, and I will no longer let anyone make a fool out of me. I would keep fighting for you, if you were actually the person you think you are.  I may be forgiving and modest, but there is a voice screaming inside of me. A voice telling me not to listen to a single word you say, and I shall obey.

.

meet me in perspicuity

If I could clarify all my actions, my missteps, my difficulties, things would be much easier to comprehend. Thing is, I do not even understand all of these things myself. There are things I do not even want to think about, let alone be constantly reminded of. Things I desire to leave behind, yet these taboos seem to follow me wherever I go.

The level of clarity in my life tends to variate quite a lot. Some days I can easily point out all the things I love about what I do, yet there are days that I do not seem to realise why I made these decisions. All I need on those days is a stable factor, something or someone to clarify it for me. Yet there never appears to be a factor stable enough to calm down my crazy thoughts. Once I decide that nothing I do or am is ever going to be good enough, it is rather hard to change these gloomy thoughts. Whenever I succeed in changing my own mind, telling myself a thousand times that the way I see things is not reality, the same dark thoughts seem to return in the end. Relapse. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Sometimes, I just do not seem to understand anything. Like right now, I don't even know what I'm saying.

hesitation prohibited

None of my questions really mattered. The obnoxious feeling in my stomach told me more than my mind ever could. The obnoxious feeling representing the cruel lack of you. This had nothing to do with comprehension, it was all based on shameless affection. Fragments of the past, captured. Captured in my mind, where I can still see the way you layed your eyes on me that night, the way your touch made my knees weak. I rivet my eyes on those memories, knowing they changed my life.

During the night, I used to have a very specific dream. An empty road, with no destination whatsoever. I would walk, going nowhere. Many times I have been looking for a way to fill in the missing pieces I did not only experience during those nightmares. It was rather hard to know there was a void, without knowing how to fix it.

Then you spoke the words I genuinely needed to hear. I rely on those words, whether it is healthy or not. That void I used to experience, it has vanished. Don't mistake my occasional silence with trouble, I simply tend to be silent when you look at me that way, the way no one ever looked at me before. I might be taking a major risk, yet I do not care. My fears have broken down to bits. None of my questions truly matter. Not when I'm with you.

daydreamer

My thoughts are so incoherent these days. I confess, it caused some drama at first, but everything seems to have fallen into place. In fact, this time it seems easier than ever before. It's like you make it impossible for me to resist. To run away, the way I always tend to run away from love. What will it be, the bruise or the cure?

There's not really anything to say. I am hooked. That glance, and those eyes seeing right through me. The addiction, there's nothing more to it. All I can do is hope, hope this addiction won't turn out to be a catastrophe. Hope that there's no need to search for an antidote.

quietude

Sure I could have thought it through, try to fight for what's no longer worth fighting for. Waste my time and energy to try and make it work. Spend my days waiting and hoping things will come around, or just decide that it's time to move on with my life and stop wasting these precious days. Sometimes you just know, you do not always have to repeat all the spoken and unspoken words over and over and over again.

Truth be told, I will miss you. You have been a part of me for so long, and now you no longer are. It is for the best, because I am tired of waiting. I am tired of the feelings I've been having for so long now. I wish things had ended differently. Yet somehow I don't, at all.

this fear's got a hold on me

We are not designed for an obvious purpose. I can think of millions of different reasons why we are what we are, why we do what we do, why we are supposedly destined to live our lives. Some of my declarations are based on scientific facts, yet most of them originate from my creative and dreamy mind. Yeah, sometimes I just love pretending I know everything about life, or at least all I need to know.

A wise fellow once told me it is "all about the balance", and that if you manage to keep everything balanced, you will live a very fulfilling and wealthy life. This really stunned me at that time, because I never really thought of it that way. Ever since I am able to cherish this precious memory, my mind wanders off from time to time. - Today is one of those days.

Lately, I feel as if the 'balance' I used to experience is disappearing. If it's not because I spend too little time on my school work, I feel as if I don't talk to my friends enough. In addition, I am surrounded by expectations. We often expect too much from other people, as if we expect everyone to live up to our standards.

This is quite a busy time for me, school is just making sure that I have no time to live an actual normal social life. Perhaps I caused this stress myself, or perhaps my messed up week schedule full of exams is tiring me down. Either way, it is socially, physically, emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I find myself stressing over the littlest things throughout the day, without feeling like things are paying off. I do not know why I do this. I just do not like spending all my time either studying or panicking because I feel as if I do not study often enough. 

My current life is full of expectations. People expect things from me, or maybe that is just how I see things. Whenever I feel like someone expects me to do or say something, a fear arises. If there's one thing I hate, it's letting people down, or letting myself down for that matter. Yet these fears and expectations always seem inevitable. I guess it's just something we all have to deal with, sometimes you will have to deal with expectations, and sometimes you have nothing to fear. These days the expectations are in majority. 

So, to sum up, I feel unbalanced. Though I'm pretty much convinced that I managed to transfer that message.

<3

disabuse me

Ahh, there is nothing like a great dose of disenchantment. I'm convinced we all know what it's like, investing in something and fully committing yourself to ''it'' until someone (metaphorically speaking) grabs that big bucket full of ice cold water only to end up throwing its contents in your face. Lovely, ain't it?

Yeah, I have trouble distinguishing between dreams (/hopes, wishes.. and all those other tricky fragments of our minds that are so not to be trusted) and reality sometimes. While growing up, people always told me I am what they call a "dreamer". I never considered it a bad thing, yet it has its downsides. This is when the bucket makes its entrance, and when I always seem to end up, well... soaked.

After many years, I suppose I somewhat got used to it. It can still be unpleasant though, like when something is mightily important to me. I'm just glad that on these days full of disappointments (oh, that sounds so depressing), there is always this thing I'd like to call music. And yeah, that makes up for it somehow.