daydreamer

My thoughts are so incoherent these days. I confess, it caused some drama at first, but everything seems to have fallen into place. In fact, this time it seems easier than ever before. It's like you make it impossible for me to resist. To run away, the way I always tend to run away from love. What will it be, the bruise or the cure?

There's not really anything to say. I am hooked. That glance, and those eyes seeing right through me. The addiction, there's nothing more to it. All I can do is hope, hope this addiction won't turn out to be a catastrophe. Hope that there's no need to search for an antidote.

quietude

Sure I could have thought it through, try to fight for what's no longer worth fighting for. Waste my time and energy to try and make it work. Spend my days waiting and hoping things will come around, or just decide that it's time to move on with my life and stop wasting these precious days. Sometimes you just know, you do not always have to repeat all the spoken and unspoken words over and over and over again.

Truth be told, I will miss you. You have been a part of me for so long, and now you no longer are. It is for the best, because I am tired of waiting. I am tired of the feelings I've been having for so long now. I wish things had ended differently. Yet somehow I don't, at all.

this fear's got a hold on me

We are not designed for an obvious purpose. I can think of millions of different reasons why we are what we are, why we do what we do, why we are supposedly destined to live our lives. Some of my declarations are based on scientific facts, yet most of them originate from my creative and dreamy mind. Yeah, sometimes I just love pretending I know everything about life, or at least all I need to know.

A wise fellow once told me it is "all about the balance", and that if you manage to keep everything balanced, you will live a very fulfilling and wealthy life. This really stunned me at that time, because I never really thought of it that way. Ever since I am able to cherish this precious memory, my mind wanders off from time to time. - Today is one of those days.

Lately, I feel as if the 'balance' I used to experience is disappearing. If it's not because I spend too little time on my school work, I feel as if I don't talk to my friends enough. In addition, I am surrounded by expectations. We often expect too much from other people, as if we expect everyone to live up to our standards.

This is quite a busy time for me, school is just making sure that I have no time to live an actual normal social life. Perhaps I caused this stress myself, or perhaps my messed up week schedule full of exams is tiring me down. Either way, it is socially, physically, emotionally and mentally unhealthy. I find myself stressing over the littlest things throughout the day, without feeling like things are paying off. I do not know why I do this. I just do not like spending all my time either studying or panicking because I feel as if I do not study often enough. 

My current life is full of expectations. People expect things from me, or maybe that is just how I see things. Whenever I feel like someone expects me to do or say something, a fear arises. If there's one thing I hate, it's letting people down, or letting myself down for that matter. Yet these fears and expectations always seem inevitable. I guess it's just something we all have to deal with, sometimes you will have to deal with expectations, and sometimes you have nothing to fear. These days the expectations are in majority. 

So, to sum up, I feel unbalanced. Though I'm pretty much convinced that I managed to transfer that message.

<3

disabuse me

Ahh, there is nothing like a great dose of disenchantment. I'm convinced we all know what it's like, investing in something and fully committing yourself to ''it'' until someone (metaphorically speaking) grabs that big bucket full of ice cold water only to end up throwing its contents in your face. Lovely, ain't it?

Yeah, I have trouble distinguishing between dreams (/hopes, wishes.. and all those other tricky fragments of our minds that are so not to be trusted) and reality sometimes. While growing up, people always told me I am what they call a "dreamer". I never considered it a bad thing, yet it has its downsides. This is when the bucket makes its entrance, and when I always seem to end up, well... soaked.

After many years, I suppose I somewhat got used to it. It can still be unpleasant though, like when something is mightily important to me. I'm just glad that on these days full of disappointments (oh, that sounds so depressing), there is always this thing I'd like to call music. And yeah, that makes up for it somehow.

hello, this is your life speaking

Any idea of what the heck you are going to do with me?

Unfortunately, I have to say no. I do not know what I am going to do with my life when thinking of the future. The near future, sure, I think about tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. I think about my exams, which only leaves me feeling stressed and panicked. "Paranoid" and "tends to optimise" would describe me pretty well. Whatever it is I have to accomplish, I usually find a way to finish it. Once I start, there is no going back. I will reach the goal I set in advance. Normally though, procrastination is really hard for me to resist. So I end up doing everything in a few days. Or just twenty-four hours, leading into sleep deprivation.


However, considering the distant future, I have no idea what to expect. Who knows, maybe my hard work won't pay off, maybe I will have to do this all over again next year. - If so, I will never forgive myself.
Perhaps it will be rewarded. In that case, I will actually have to start a new life. A life full of question marks,  full of hopes and fears.


I am so not ready for this.

if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it

I had an interesting conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. Out of nowhere, he started asking me questions. One of these questions was 'what achievements are you most proud of?'. I found myself having trouble answering this question, simply because I do not consider any of my "achievements" as immense. This realisation was, to be honest, rather hard to swallow. It made me aware of everything I tried to achieve, without success. I have been thinking about my own mistakes ever since. I reckon this was not really his intention, but I guess it is just me being a pessimist.

My parents split up two years ago, a fact pretty much everyone knows by now. Even though I always tried to handle it the right way, I still think I didn't ever did a really great job. I take things too personally, meaning I tend to overreact pretty easily sometimes. I always wondered why this divorce and everything it brought along seemed so much harder for me to handle than, for instance, my sister. I think I figured out why, I guess I just care too much. I decided to work on that, though I did recently realise it takes more than that. Old habits die hard, eh?
We do have issues, and I know things will never be the same again. Yet for some reason, despite everything, I do hope things will work out sooner or later. Perhaps we will, eventually, become one big happy family. Or not.

Another thing I dislike about myself, is my indecisiveness. My dearest friends know exactly what I am talking about. I tend to over think everything, I am always afraid of the consequences, and so on. I recognise the symptoms by now, mostly consisting out of avoidance and denial. Never will I know for sure if I will ever pick up the skills to ease the "decision-making-process", one can only hope.

I know this story is fairly irrelevant to you guys, though this just needed to be said. Written. For my own sake, hoping I will become even more aware of the circumstances. And also, just for the heck of it.

side effects

I've never met anyone like you before. The influence you have over me, how one mere glance at the expression on your face says enough. I think I look up to you in a certain way, your allegiance engenders a feeling of anxiety inside of me. I wonder how you do that, how your eyes see right through me. That's why I often find myself averting my eyes, as if you can't read my mind as long as I do not look directly back at you.

I never intended to agree with you holding all the strings. You may disagree with me, but you, beyond any doubt, are. They are within your hands reach, now one can only hope you will not let them end up entangled, the way I am tangled up in you.

Even though I resent you for the confusion you awaken, for repeatedly turning me into a drama queen, I am absolutely, positively, definitely, almost, kind of sure I like what you do to me.

So yeah, thank you for totally f**king me up. I am loving every minute of it. I think.