defining moments

As we move from complicated to incomprehensible, I find myself having a hard time to keep track of things. I realise more and more just how much everything and everyone around me is changing. Of course this was bound to happen, but I never realised it was already ´happening´, if you know what I'm sayin'. We're growing up, moving from age box to age box, we develop dreams and desires and (slowly) realise things only get more complicated every single day. 

Most of you might know how hard it is for me to let go of people. We lose friends, we gain friends, we reconnect with old friends. So basically, our social environment tends to change a lot. I've never been good at saying goodbye to people. It's probably one of those things I'll never get used to. Unfortunately, it always seems inevitable. 

However, besides the fact that I find it somewhat difficult to let go of the past, I also enjoy these developments. The older we get, the more we will experience, the more we will learn. Knowledge is one of the things I find rather important. And when I say knowledge, I am talking about life experiences that teach you a valuable lesson. I've always believed everything happens for a reason. The best and worst experiences we have to go through are there for us to learn something. My definition of maturity would probably be related to your level of life experience and your ability to empathise.

One thing I, sometimes, do find disturbing, is how we try to examine everything and everyone more and more. Sure, psychology is very interesting and the human mind and/or psyche is so complex, how could nosy people possibly resist examining it? I do think there should be some sort of limit though, because besides my curiosity, I personally find the mysteries in life rather exciting. But well, we all try to define certain situations and moments. It's hard not to look for possible "reasons" for one's actions and such, and it is ever harder to live with the fact that you might never find out.

I just don't think it's possible to define everything. In daily life, it is probably one of the things that bugs me most. Some people tend to define an individual by their gender, what they look like or what they stand for. And those are just a few possibilities, the list is endless. I'm not saying these people are discriminating, but more that it, sometimes, seems hard for them to look beyond physical appearance (or anything else for that matter), and see the individual behind it. I think every individual has their own power, but that it takes time to find and develop that power.
(I am speaking in general here, so please do not feel offended.)

"Of all the ways of defining man, the worst is the one which makes him out to be a rational animal." - Anatole France (Jacques Anatole François Thibault)

la douleur exquise

My ability to be creative has let me down. You guys are still pretty active around here, but I'm afraid I cannot say the same thing about myself. I've been waiting for my mind to come up with a masterpiece, but that plan didn't really work out the way I hoped it would. So, to feed your brains with something... Here's some nebulous fiction! (: (Yes, I swear it is)
Why? Because.


-------------------------------------------------

And behind closed doors, the mask comes off.


His weary hands still trembling from it all, he stares at the coloured silhouettes and other hallucinations slowly fading away. His respiration scarcely improved, though he doesn't feel as bloodthirsty as he did a short while ago. He had no choice but to release it, it was his only way out. Finally, he's able to come to his senses, he can stop clenching his hands now, the job is done. As the side effects wear off, he reaches out to 'the real stuff'. What the hell, danger and pain never stopped him before. Come on, reach up high into space, numb me, make my day.


He used to be such a happy guy. An example to everyone, one who would never hurt anyone deliberately. Never did he cause trouble. Affectionate, but his infatuated love was never mutual. A victim of his own foolish heart he was. Nobody cared enough to listen, if he even bothered to share at all. He wanted people to truly listen  to him, instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

His self destruction was working though, because physical pain is visible to the outside world. The injuries on his paper-thin skin, the wounds on his wrists from carving that one word over and over again, deep into his flesh. And a little higher, the scars of needles mark his past. People never noticed him, but he changed that for good. Never will they look down on him again, because these wounds cannot be ignored. They may see him now, one day too late.

Staring at his feet, he bursts into hysterical shouting and laughter. Filling the room with nothing but empty shells which used to belong to his once unaffected soul. But that's all in the past now. His thoughts strayed away, far away from reality. Comatose. Provoked by drugs and torture. But he's persistent, his goal is his antidote. Nothing will stop him now. Someone's going to suffer, someone needs to make the sacrifice, anyone but him this time.

A terrified voice, echoes through the house.
Blood splatters on the walls, 
and one final scream ends the horrible sound.

moonlit probability

It's hard to see in the dark, caused by the lack of a light source. (obviously?) That's probably why the world and its complications seem even more incomprehensible during these short yet endless winter days. It came upon so suddenly this year, I didn't even get the chance to prepare myself. But hey, I managed to find a flashlight in the darkness. (gotta love metaphors)

Postponing it doesn't work, time moves faster than we realize and before you know it, it's time to do something. I realized that I shouldn't be wasting my "precious" time drinking coffee to stay warm and awake. Ergo, grab that flashlight before it's gone. :)

I bet this story doesn't make any sense to you, simply because it has no meaning whatsoever. (Or does it..? Now THAT'S the question!) So, to end this hopeless attempt, I will share a song with you. Everyone seems to be doing that these days, are they just as uninspired as I am? Let's blame the winter again, and the darkness; it makes our minds obscure and incoherent.

Love you guys!

drop the attitude

tell me, what should I say? which words should I use? how do I open your eyes? negativity ain't a part of me, it's a part of the air I breathe, the air filling this place called 'home'. don't you see what's happening? I love you, but I can't pretend anymore. all is said and all is done, I've had enough for now. but leave the door open, I'll be back, I'll ask for more. just know that I know the truth. you might not want to see it, but you know it too. stop pretending.

it's over, it's done. I just hope you'll miss me when I'm gone. I understand, you're happy now, and that means problems don't matter anymore. apparently I'm too difficult to handle, apparently you forgot about everything I've done for you and all the things I gave up for you. it's fine, that's just who you are. 

but tell me, is this love? 'cause that's not how you raised me.

-

I hate regret. If only there was this little voice inside my head telling me to think things over. because I realized that I barely ever do that. my "I-don't-care" attitude makes me unworthy of many people whom I love with all my heart. It's just that I often refuse to realize just how much someone really means to me. After the many things I had to go through I became a real pessimist, love-wise.

the weirdest things is that I am, in my opinion, an affectionate person. I've never had trouble trusting nor loving someone, often even trusting the wrong people. But when I do find that special someone, the one person that's actually worth it all it seems like I just have to break them down. I blame, I hurt, I say things I don't mean.. it's like taking revenge, because I know that that one person will love me no matter what, so I decide to take out all my anger on them. my perfect little punching bag.


but that's temporary. after a while of getting hurt, they realize I'm nothing but trouble. I can be such a hypocrite. and I hate that.


what goes around comes around

you can run away and hide..

..but it will find you
I've always had trouble making decisions. whenever someone asks me "hey, what do you wanna do today?", I always find a way to make them choose. Not because I don't have a preference, but basically because I'd rather make them happy than enjoy the activity myself.

However, besides those relatively unimportant choices, I have even more trouble making major decisions. I never know what I want nor do I know what's best for me. I'm not a great planner;  when I really want to do something, I go for it, without considering the possible consequences. Usually, this leads to nothing but trouble, meaning; someone gets hurt. whether that's me or someone I really care about. Yet sometimes, the outcome is rather surprising. I find something special, or something worth considering. This brings me back to the main topic - making decisions. Knowing I suck at that, you probably realize things only get more complicated.

The worst part is that I to tend ignore all the signs. Instead of making a life-altering decision, I prefer waiting around to see what happens. I know it's bad, but I just can't seem to change my ways. Sometimes it's just easier to stick with what you know, instead of giving up to experience something new.

Ignorance usually works. I discovered that by "pretending it's not there", I no longer have to fear the unknown. Until the moment comes when I realize that the problem is still there.. Hence the (sub)title.

"the greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"

oh, the horror..

oh, how the white void drained me. 


winter wonderland may be a marvelous miracle from an optimistic point of view,
but unfortunately enough, it's not from where I'm standing.
I'd rather be in a place that's not as monotonous and chilly. 
in my opinion, this white surface works like a reflection of thoughts. 
(and in my case, regrets and guilt.)
I just hope the rest of you guys are in a much happier place, and that the luminous snow is strengthening that power.