moonlit probability

It's hard to see in the dark, caused by the lack of a light source. (obviously?) That's probably why the world and its complications seem even more incomprehensible during these short yet endless winter days. It came upon so suddenly this year, I didn't even get the chance to prepare myself. But hey, I managed to find a flashlight in the darkness. (gotta love metaphors)

Postponing it doesn't work, time moves faster than we realize and before you know it, it's time to do something. I realized that I shouldn't be wasting my "precious" time drinking coffee to stay warm and awake. Ergo, grab that flashlight before it's gone. :)

I bet this story doesn't make any sense to you, simply because it has no meaning whatsoever. (Or does it..? Now THAT'S the question!) So, to end this hopeless attempt, I will share a song with you. Everyone seems to be doing that these days, are they just as uninspired as I am? Let's blame the winter again, and the darkness; it makes our minds obscure and incoherent.

Love you guys!

drop the attitude

tell me, what should I say? which words should I use? how do I open your eyes? negativity ain't a part of me, it's a part of the air I breathe, the air filling this place called 'home'. don't you see what's happening? I love you, but I can't pretend anymore. all is said and all is done, I've had enough for now. but leave the door open, I'll be back, I'll ask for more. just know that I know the truth. you might not want to see it, but you know it too. stop pretending.

it's over, it's done. I just hope you'll miss me when I'm gone. I understand, you're happy now, and that means problems don't matter anymore. apparently I'm too difficult to handle, apparently you forgot about everything I've done for you and all the things I gave up for you. it's fine, that's just who you are. 

but tell me, is this love? 'cause that's not how you raised me.

-

I hate regret. If only there was this little voice inside my head telling me to think things over. because I realized that I barely ever do that. my "I-don't-care" attitude makes me unworthy of many people whom I love with all my heart. It's just that I often refuse to realize just how much someone really means to me. After the many things I had to go through I became a real pessimist, love-wise.

the weirdest things is that I am, in my opinion, an affectionate person. I've never had trouble trusting nor loving someone, often even trusting the wrong people. But when I do find that special someone, the one person that's actually worth it all it seems like I just have to break them down. I blame, I hurt, I say things I don't mean.. it's like taking revenge, because I know that that one person will love me no matter what, so I decide to take out all my anger on them. my perfect little punching bag.


but that's temporary. after a while of getting hurt, they realize I'm nothing but trouble. I can be such a hypocrite. and I hate that.


what goes around comes around

you can run away and hide..

..but it will find you
I've always had trouble making decisions. whenever someone asks me "hey, what do you wanna do today?", I always find a way to make them choose. Not because I don't have a preference, but basically because I'd rather make them happy than enjoy the activity myself.

However, besides those relatively unimportant choices, I have even more trouble making major decisions. I never know what I want nor do I know what's best for me. I'm not a great planner;  when I really want to do something, I go for it, without considering the possible consequences. Usually, this leads to nothing but trouble, meaning; someone gets hurt. whether that's me or someone I really care about. Yet sometimes, the outcome is rather surprising. I find something special, or something worth considering. This brings me back to the main topic - making decisions. Knowing I suck at that, you probably realize things only get more complicated.

The worst part is that I to tend ignore all the signs. Instead of making a life-altering decision, I prefer waiting around to see what happens. I know it's bad, but I just can't seem to change my ways. Sometimes it's just easier to stick with what you know, instead of giving up to experience something new.

Ignorance usually works. I discovered that by "pretending it's not there", I no longer have to fear the unknown. Until the moment comes when I realize that the problem is still there.. Hence the (sub)title.

"the greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"

oh, the horror..

oh, how the white void drained me. 


winter wonderland may be a marvelous miracle from an optimistic point of view,
but unfortunately enough, it's not from where I'm standing.
I'd rather be in a place that's not as monotonous and chilly. 
in my opinion, this white surface works like a reflection of thoughts. 
(and in my case, regrets and guilt.)
I just hope the rest of you guys are in a much happier place, and that the luminous snow is strengthening that power.

trust your instinct

Sometimes, I let my emotions get the best of me.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to hurt him on purpose, just to find out if he cares enough to stay.

Sometimes, I wish I were as innocent and undamaged as most people think I am when they first meet me.

Sometimes, I am a complete contradiction of the person I desire to be.

Sometimes, I pretend that I just want to get the hell out of this place while in the meantime these people are all I care about.

Sometimes, I feel so cursed to care so much about people who are so far away.

Right now, I am realizing that time is moving forward and that in 6 months, the story that took us 6 years to create, will end.

Right now, I realize that I care way more about those I never realized were that important to me.

I will miss them.

let it be

Bzzz. This is an intervention. Someone whispered words of wisdom. :)

Yes dear people, I apprehend that my life has flipped. I realize that about a year ago, my life was completely different. Because, to be honest, I don't care about the same people anymore. I'm starting to see that the people I used to be so fond of are actually not the best choice for me. They're still great people, don't get me wrong, but they're just not my cup of tea if you know what I mean. Well that happens right, and I now have other people I care about. Maybe even more.

I realized that my home situation has changed too.
It's a complicated business, but I will explain my previous home situation for you, in a nutshell;
parents fighting - dad leaving the house - 8 months later the actual split up - mom not that jolly (my personal understatement of the day) - nurturing my mom for about a year and a half - and so on.
to sum up, it was, basically, the very famous "parents break-up story".
But now I'm starting to see that I don't care as much as I used to. I came to realize that my roots are just kind of messy and that parents are humans too. :)

SO, I started this entry by suggesting it would turn out to be an intervention. Well I had a reason for using that word. Firstly, I just hoped it would force you to keep reading, as I haven't been around a lot lately and are starting to get the feeling that my blog is a huge neglect. But more important, the reason I chose the word 'intervention' is because I decided that I am no longer devoting myself to those who are not worth it anymore. Sure, we had great times, and I've loved and hated being important to them and them being important to me. But they changed and to be honest, I don't really feel the same either. :)
Alright I admit it, maybe I shouldn't have gone with 'intervention' after all.


But HEY, I'm just really happy that I still have a handful of great old friends!
Like my very sensitive, insecure, passionate, favorite girlfrieeend. Too bad we're currently separated by the sea.
and now, I am out of words. but I don't mind,
let it be, right? :)