-

I hate regret. If only there was this little voice inside my head telling me to think things over. because I realized that I barely ever do that. my "I-don't-care" attitude makes me unworthy of many people whom I love with all my heart. It's just that I often refuse to realize just how much someone really means to me. After the many things I had to go through I became a real pessimist, love-wise.

the weirdest things is that I am, in my opinion, an affectionate person. I've never had trouble trusting nor loving someone, often even trusting the wrong people. But when I do find that special someone, the one person that's actually worth it all it seems like I just have to break them down. I blame, I hurt, I say things I don't mean.. it's like taking revenge, because I know that that one person will love me no matter what, so I decide to take out all my anger on them. my perfect little punching bag.


but that's temporary. after a while of getting hurt, they realize I'm nothing but trouble. I can be such a hypocrite. and I hate that.


what goes around comes around

you can run away and hide..

..but it will find you
I've always had trouble making decisions. whenever someone asks me "hey, what do you wanna do today?", I always find a way to make them choose. Not because I don't have a preference, but basically because I'd rather make them happy than enjoy the activity myself.

However, besides those relatively unimportant choices, I have even more trouble making major decisions. I never know what I want nor do I know what's best for me. I'm not a great planner;  when I really want to do something, I go for it, without considering the possible consequences. Usually, this leads to nothing but trouble, meaning; someone gets hurt. whether that's me or someone I really care about. Yet sometimes, the outcome is rather surprising. I find something special, or something worth considering. This brings me back to the main topic - making decisions. Knowing I suck at that, you probably realize things only get more complicated.

The worst part is that I to tend ignore all the signs. Instead of making a life-altering decision, I prefer waiting around to see what happens. I know it's bad, but I just can't seem to change my ways. Sometimes it's just easier to stick with what you know, instead of giving up to experience something new.

Ignorance usually works. I discovered that by "pretending it's not there", I no longer have to fear the unknown. Until the moment comes when I realize that the problem is still there.. Hence the (sub)title.

"the greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about"

oh, the horror..

oh, how the white void drained me. 


winter wonderland may be a marvelous miracle from an optimistic point of view,
but unfortunately enough, it's not from where I'm standing.
I'd rather be in a place that's not as monotonous and chilly. 
in my opinion, this white surface works like a reflection of thoughts. 
(and in my case, regrets and guilt.)
I just hope the rest of you guys are in a much happier place, and that the luminous snow is strengthening that power.

trust your instinct

Sometimes, I let my emotions get the best of me.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to hurt him on purpose, just to find out if he cares enough to stay.

Sometimes, I wish I were as innocent and undamaged as most people think I am when they first meet me.

Sometimes, I am a complete contradiction of the person I desire to be.

Sometimes, I pretend that I just want to get the hell out of this place while in the meantime these people are all I care about.

Sometimes, I feel so cursed to care so much about people who are so far away.

Right now, I am realizing that time is moving forward and that in 6 months, the story that took us 6 years to create, will end.

Right now, I realize that I care way more about those I never realized were that important to me.

I will miss them.

let it be

Bzzz. This is an intervention. Someone whispered words of wisdom. :)

Yes dear people, I apprehend that my life has flipped. I realize that about a year ago, my life was completely different. Because, to be honest, I don't care about the same people anymore. I'm starting to see that the people I used to be so fond of are actually not the best choice for me. They're still great people, don't get me wrong, but they're just not my cup of tea if you know what I mean. Well that happens right, and I now have other people I care about. Maybe even more.

I realized that my home situation has changed too.
It's a complicated business, but I will explain my previous home situation for you, in a nutshell;
parents fighting - dad leaving the house - 8 months later the actual split up - mom not that jolly (my personal understatement of the day) - nurturing my mom for about a year and a half - and so on.
to sum up, it was, basically, the very famous "parents break-up story".
But now I'm starting to see that I don't care as much as I used to. I came to realize that my roots are just kind of messy and that parents are humans too. :)

SO, I started this entry by suggesting it would turn out to be an intervention. Well I had a reason for using that word. Firstly, I just hoped it would force you to keep reading, as I haven't been around a lot lately and are starting to get the feeling that my blog is a huge neglect. But more important, the reason I chose the word 'intervention' is because I decided that I am no longer devoting myself to those who are not worth it anymore. Sure, we had great times, and I've loved and hated being important to them and them being important to me. But they changed and to be honest, I don't really feel the same either. :)
Alright I admit it, maybe I shouldn't have gone with 'intervention' after all.


But HEY, I'm just really happy that I still have a handful of great old friends!
Like my very sensitive, insecure, passionate, favorite girlfrieeend. Too bad we're currently separated by the sea.
and now, I am out of words. but I don't mind,
let it be, right? :)

delight the beauty that surrounds you

Sorry folks, I've been neglecting you once again. It's just that my mind seems so occupied lately. I've been sick all week, and I still feel pretty messed up. All the stuff I should have done, well.. I didn't do them.
you see, I have lots of obligations, and normally I appear to handle them pretty well. But right now I just feel like I'm not in control anymore, like it's impossible for me to accomplish something.


but today I decided it's time for a change. because my list of chores is getting longer and I'm ready to catch up. It will involve lots of studying, lots of writing and lots of precious time, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice.
and yes, I also realize that I'm not really aware of the beautiful things in life anymore. And I find appreciation really important, so that is something I don't enjoy. Hence the title.


I'm not saying I will make it work,
but I'm willing to give it a try.

TGI... Monday?

"monday is the day of the week between sunday and tuesday" . (my mind, blown.)
this is probably the best definition of monday, as some of us define it as the second day of the week while others refer to it as the first day, that shitty day on which either school or work just started, facing another following 4 days full of stress and obligations.

Monday is a spectacular word if you ask me. I feel both shitty and excited on mondays, inquisitive to find out what will happen while apathetically realizing I'm already tired, while the week hasn't even started yet. (which means I see monday as the first day of the week, in case you didn't realize)

Though now that I think about it, maybe "spectacular" is not the right word to define mondays (I, sometimes, incline to exaggerate a little). Maybe incoherent, or abysmal, conflicted, despicable or contradictory ...
...
indefinable?

anyhow, mondays may seem indefinable to me, I bet that's not the case for everyone.
but one thing's for certain; they will always be there, whether we like it or not. (:

<3

balderdash

prepare yourself for another sad and senseless entry... because I'm not really feeling the happy and "negligent" sphere just yet.
that's probably because I'm not feeling so happy myself. after studying my ass off for my exams (which actually paid off, thank god) I still feel exhausted and quite miserable. but I won't bore you with my current emotions, so I'm actually going to talk about something specific.

Often when people tell me about their problems, they tend to set boundaries before even trying. of course everyone has their rules and habits which are impossible to breach, but I often experience that things are not as 'black 'n white' as most of us tend to see them. I see rules as "relative", meaning:  every rule has an exception.
So my point is basically that, sometimes, you should maybe go easy on the negativity and at least try to change your ways. because who knows, you might succeed.. if something's bothering you, what's wrong with giving "change" a chance? :)

oh dammit, I'm so uninspired lately, I'm so sorry you guys. you guys are so good at coming up with something and here I am, rambling on about the first thing that comes to mind. don't you have any tips for me? to get my "inspiration" back? because I'm really not feeling it.
<3

the lost case of a lost soul

for some reason, I feel like I'm missing out. I mean it feels alright, but just not complete. all I do these days is study and traveling back and forth between my mom and dad. and basically, it's just driving me crazy. I barely socialize with the people I care about most..

I miss my boyfriend, I miss my dearest friends and... something else I can't define.. 

having fun, experiencing new things and meeting new people.. and the one person I love doing that stuff with is SOOOO far away! I just miss her so much. her humor, her loveliness, how we always experience something new and exciting and.. well, everything else. so babe, if you're reading this; I'm really really REALLY looking forward to seeing you again next month.. you're the beeeest! I'M SO JEALOUS OF ENGLAND! and I do hope you realize that I won't let you go back after your short visit.. you'll just have to stay by my side. forever. :)


yeah, that's really all I have to say.. studying doesn't make me particularly creative, nor funny. :x
but do not worry, in a few days, things will get better.. and if not, I'll just have to live with zero readers. :D

welcome to ambiguity

Dear no one, 
I'm sorry I've been neglecting you.


So why have I been neglecting my "oh-so-popular" blog? because I've been busy. busy doing what?
traveling the world (or just visiting Paris for 2 days),  studying and many other spectacular, adventurous things.
no, that's a lie, I didn't do anything else.


I really don't know what to say, my brain doesn't allow me to be creative and focused at the same time. Really, those books are sucking the little creativity I have outta me.


though I do think paris is worth mentioning, because paris was awesome and he was awesome and our anniversary celebration was awesome and well, awesomeness?

and no, this entry is not meant to entertain you, to intrigue you or to add something to your life. it's rather an inconsiderable, unimportant gathering of words and frustration. if you're looking for inspiration, deep thoughts or anything else for that matter: you will not find it here.


but, in order to add some content to this so called "story", here are some words of wisdom.


"Without continual growth and progress, such words as improvement, achievement and success have no meaning." - Benjamin Franklin



meaning; I should return to my lovely books
...
I love my life. :)

me likey

I like inspirational people I like how he loves me in spite of the mistakes I make I like making people smile I like how I see through their lies I like being with the ones I love I like my bed for always being there when I'm deadly tired I like discovering random stuff I like honesty I like the sound of his voice I like having a handful of people I can always count on I like how we misjudge things I like spending my hard earned money I like having control over certain things I like the mysteries of life I like sharing my thoughts I like sarcasm I like how excruciating pain fades over time I like adventure I like positive change I like unexpected turns I like nonsense I like listening to songs that hold memories I like how you always manage to make me smile I like standing out I like offering help to those who need it I like it when those who left return for christmas I like him for being so likable I like it when my parents buy me stuff I like how he's not only my boyfriend but also my best friend I like how the things that don't kill you only make you stronger I like discovering who my true friends are  I like how a Finnish guy is making my best friend as happy as she deserves to be I like my morning cigarette I like caffeine for energizing me I like discussions about serious issues I like discussions about non-essential hoo-ha I like the wonder that love is I like sincere gestures that make me cry I like how one moment can change everything



I like realizing just how much there is to like out there. (:

save the lies

what people often don't realize, is that I am not retarted. they think that, because I'm only 17 years old, I can't tell when they lie, keep things from me, withhold the truth (which I think is the same as lying) and all other related options.
it's such a shame.


I ask, they tell their story. the story is a complete setup, carefully thought through. yet what they don't realize, is that there's always a catch. lies contain certain flaws. either parts of the story don't make any sense, or the liar behaves in the most unconvincing way. those flaws may not be visible to us all, but I most certainly see them. especially people I know cannot tell me a decent lie, one worth believing.


I don't mean to sound boastful (because I'm not into braggery after all). but it's just something I learned to observe over the last few years. of course there are people that are so good at lying that I won't be able to tell the difference between "true" and "false", and of course there are certain people I love so intensively that I want to believe them even though I know I shouldn't. But the thing I'm trying to explain to you here is that I hate lies. and the kind of lies I'm referring to right now are obviously not white lies, but major lies.
like when someone lies to you when you absolutely deserve to know the truth.


so my point is, well, I don't really have a a point actually.
my heart goes out to those of you that know how important the truth is, and that lies actually only make things worse. you start with one lie, but to hold on to that lie you often have to tell another lie, which means you'll end up in this huge web of lies. and you have to remember every part, because otherwise your entire "wall of lies" (I prefer to say wall of shame.. because I think it's shameful) may break down.


so dear dear people,
spread the honesty for your own sake. <3


quoting: "the naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie"

a twist in my story

you are the twist in my story.
I used to think that love was complete horse-shit - and you just had to prove me wrong. *that's so you :)*

because as I discovered, love is the thing, you know.
unconditional, heartrending, devastating, completing, petrifying love.

sometimes you feel so lucky, so happy, so on top of the world.
sometimes you feel like this obsessed being dying to be with that one significant other, so lonely, vulnerable, so terrified.
I don't know about you guys, but no matter how much love makes or breaks me,
I love every minute of it.

the pain, the pleasure.- it sure is addictive.
I can't get enough.
after everything we've been through, after all the mistakes I made,
after spending hours, days, months without you, I still love you.

people tell me I'm too young to know what I want, that we'll go separate ways and that we're not strong enough to survive.
they tell me it's a waste of precious time, and at last they ask me:
"why the HELL would you put yourself through all that?" - it's simple.

he's the only one worth waiting for.


"Tes yeux, j'en rêve jour et nuit"

dealbreakers?

In life we often face things that are unpleasant or maybe even horrible. there is always something in the way... always something keeping you from fulfilling your dreams or following your whatevers. (fill in yourself).
an obstacle I'd like to call the "dealbreakers" in life. yes, I hate the word, but only because of what it means to me.

I hate dealbreakers. I hate something or someone standing in my way. I mean you all know what I'm talking about right. Maybe someone telling you to think things through first, or someone keeping you from getting what you want because its theirs, or someone telling you what to do because they "think they know what's best".. Oh and I bet I forgot about maybe 500 other possibilities/situations, so help me out here.. (: (or don't.. whatevaah)

Well dear people, what I'm about to tell you may shock you because of my harshness (I can't help it if you're uptight *no offense though*)

I'm so sick of the dominant dealbreakers in my life. trying to tell me what to do because they think they know better because they're older. (age is an illusion people, it's all about experience) I officially stop listening to those people, we all have dreams we need to pursue in order to be happy.. the road to happiness may be long, but do not stop. and the dealbreakers you might face on your way may form rocks, or maybe even huge obstacles that seem impossible to overcome, but don't let it pull you down. fight to survive.

yeaaah that's my advice,

fight back people, break the dealbreakers. <3

old habits die hard

I am reconsidering. I am unaware of the risks I'm taking, I am not thinking straight but frankly just saying whatever occurs to me. I am being way too honest, so straight forward.
I don't know why, but yet I still realize that what I am doing is wrong yet right. (I think they call that confusion, perplexity, disarrangement or whatever you prefer).

and the stupidest thing of all is that I have done this before. I have been complicating things like this, I have been mixing things up in the past. So yes, I do know what the price will be like and yes I do know that it involves some unpleasant eyeopeners and suchlike. but you know what? I don't really care.. well yeah, I do care, because I know that it ain't that smart to act like this. but the people I really do care about, and that are worth it because they are still here after everything we went through, they are still there. I love them, I care for them, I shelter them.

we're at the age of (un)innocence. what we do, the mistakes we make now, will it really affect our future? I don't really think so.
So let's make and break, let's make the same mistakes over and over again until we learn from it, let's tore down what we built up.sometimes in life, you need some spice. 
(read; excitement, risks, hazardous, renewal.. etc.)
- in moderation. cause there are still some boundaries, limits and so one you need to take into account.

so spread that spiciness, bring up the heat! (: <3

change is a magical thing

hello dear people, it most certainly has been a while!
and I'm not even gonna try to justify myself, cause i have absolutely no good reason for not posting anything. but i figured that no one would actually care, so I modified my own level of "careness" to "not caring". oh that does sound pretty mean, but I, of course, still love all of you.

well school just started about a week ago, and so far, it has been exhausting as FUCK. or maybe I'm tired because I really need to catch up on my sleep, but I prefer blaming school over my active party-life. shit went down, shit changed, shit was unexpected. But yeah that happens from time to time, you realize that you're letting go of things/people, and holding on to new, exciting things. it hurts to let go of the past, but I think that we're better off that way. it only changed or went away because it wasn't strong enough to survive.. so I don't even bother trying to hold on to the people that are slipping away from me, it costs so much energy. energy that I basically just don't have or want to waste.
"and that my friend, is what I like to call, C-L-O-S-U-R-E"


but on the other side, I am proud to say that there are things I am very happy about! reconnecting with friends, working on school... I mean yes, I hate the fact that school has been a part of me for so long and yes I sometimes do feel like not doing any homework, but I also want to graduate. it's the last and final year, and it would be such a waste to screw it up now.. we've come so far, we will make it til the very end!

but I seriously have to go to bed now, because I slept for about an hour during the weekend. yes it's my fault and no I don't give a care! we had fun, we did not sleep, IT WAS WORTH IT!


cheers! <3

control it, or it will control you

one of many reasons why we give up on things, is the feeling that it controls us instead of us controlling "it".
but ain't it just a matter of grabbing that fear by the balls and say


"I will go for it, I will make it work, I'm here to stay, and I won't let anybody get in my way"


the ability to control, the ability to trust.
keep up the faith guys, don't let them pull you down that easily.


spread the hope, we all need it! :)

why doubt?

because sometimes, you just really don't know.

chance favors only the prepared mind

well hello there! it most certainly has been a while. that wasn't the plan, but well, shit happens right? so anyways, I'm back from italy. it was awesome out there. I even learned some italian baby. :) isn't italian just a beautiful language? I'd love to talk about something in particular, but I'm having a hard time thinking of something. my mind is just not really working that well lately. but hey I don't wanna bother you guys with a useless story, so I will try my very best to make it "read-worthy".


if there's one thing I can't do, it's making choices.. I'm always scared of making the wrong decision. letting go of the best people, holding on to those who aren't worth the fight.. it's pretty fucking hard to tell the difference, because I can be very naive.. I trust people way too quickly, and most of the time they aren't trustable after all. and as soon as someone shows up that's completely there for me, loves me and would never let me down, I get scared. how fucked up is that? and I do believe that carefully thinking things through is very important. and if you ask me, it is one long process;


first you have to get used to the fact that you have to make a decision, maybe even one that could change your life for good.
then you have to think of the pro's and con's. what could I get outta going for it? is there a chance it might be for nothing? is it worth the risk? will I regret it if I give up? - stuff like that.
and áfter that you're not even done, oh no. you have to be very careful with that stuff. you might forget one or two things so you better check your pro's and con's once (or twice for those who tend to forget)


and after thinking things through and over, you will finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. you can finally call yourself "prepared" for the confrontation.
yeah of course there's a chance that you made the wrong decision after all, but when that happens, do not drown in your mistakes.


you can try to figure out what went wrong, analyze every single part of "the mistake", trying to put back the pieces, justifying what could have or would have happened "if - blablabla" or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.


it's harsh, but it works. - sometimes.

coulda, woulda, shoulda

yeah man, I keep messin' with y'all. because I assured you that my previous post would be the last one before I leave, but as you see, that was in fact, a deception. oh I'm so unpredictable, hehe. so anyway. but I ain't posting this for nothing, I have a specific subject in mind. to sum it up, it's pretty much about the past and letting go. it is so hard to let go of things, memories, people. but sometimes you just have to in order to move on.

 I'm sure we all know how it feels, regret and remorse. blaming yourself for things you should or shouldn't have done. it's so hard to let it go and try again, or find another goal you want to reach. I've sure experienced it. I hate letting go of things, I hate saying goodbye. because sometimes you just know that "the goodbye" is forever. and that's just so painful.. grief, pain, remorse, regret, sorrow, affliction, we all have to go through it at least once in our life. god, even writing those words makes me feel sad. :(


but hey, there is just something I have to share with you guys. Sometimes you just have to let go in order to move on, sometimes you have no choice but to let go. that doesn't mean you have to get over it right away, take all the time you need.. it's a process, not a sudden event. it takes time, and that's okay. and like I said in my previous post, never wonder what the hell went wrong, because then a second chance might never come along. and that would be a complete waste now wouldn't it!


god I'm realizing that I'm totally overwriting my blog. guess it's a good thing I'm leaving for 2,5 weeks. :) cause I have to save some room, right?! so I'm putting a stop to this, and say goodbye to you guys. (yeah of course I realize there aren't a lot of people that read my blog, but still) have a nice summer and see you in a few weeks I guess! and I'm ending this story with french-stuff, related to the subject of course. :)


peut-être que le passé est comme une ancre qui nous retient. peut-être faut-il lâcher prise, se défaire de son ancien soi pour devenir son futur soi.

appreciate the underrated

so this is probably my last post before I leave for Italy on friday. yeaah, finally going on holiday. I'm so happy that I finally get to leave holland, even though it's only for 2 weeks. I'm so tired of the sucky weather out here.. I don't want rain, clouds and dreariness 6 days a week during summer, me no likey.

but there are some things I do likey. and, as you may know, one of those things is mind-blowing facts. i mean you read it and think, wow damn I knew that but never really realized it.. or thought about it.. you know? and, if you ask me, they're worth your time. there are lots of things in life everyone's taking for granted, and I ask myself, my god why?! I mean, if there's one thing you should never do, it's taking something or someone for granted. so this post is specially made for all those things in life we tend to take for granted.
let's appreciate more and underestimate less! :)

• courage and bravery; for instance, having the guts to spill your guts. the truth is way more powerful than we all think, we are always wondering if the truth's the best way to go. or following your dreams, having the courage to fight for what you believe in. or doing your own thing, instead of following the crowd.
• opportunities; this is one of the major things that keep us from giving up. but we don't get new opportunities every day, and new windows won't open themselves. you have work for, and at it. don't waste an opportunity by underestimating it's uniqueness. but appreciate the chance and try your best. then if you still not get what you wanted in the end, don't keep wondering what the hell went wrong, 'cause then a second chance may never come along.
• love; yeah, it's tacky i know. but it's so true. we should appreciate our partners way more than we are. but only when it's true love, of course. sometimes I realize that I'm not appreciating my boyfriend, J, enough. he's so important to me and he changed my life, and he's always there for me. and I forget about that sometimes. I'm not saying you should show affection all the time (you don't have to become a suckup, because who likes those anyway?), but showing your appreciation every once in a while wouldn't hurt anyone. and not only do we depreciate our significant others. I'm talking about all those amazing people in your life that make your life worth living. :) that's why I keep repeating, SPREAD THE LOVE, WE ALL NEED IT! :D

yeah, i couldn't really think of anything else we depreciate. but I'm sure there are still lots of things I forgot. so if you have any suggestions, leave a comment, I swear it will be appreciated. ;)

and now, I'd like to finish this post with the following.

"it's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper" - jerry seinfeld